Empire D&D Website Revisited

Last August 22, we had some fun with screen shots of the Empire’s lousy website.  Gotta say, the Empire has responded to our biting commentary (of course we take full credit!) with not just an update, but a complete web overhaul.

Without any splash screen, you are immediately informed of upcoming shows at the club.  Don’t even have to wade through the week preceding’s shows!  There’s forums, and videos, and probably most uniquely, a way to make your own personal page or group.  It’s now almost like its own Facebook for Portland’s musicians.  It is a feature that seems to be painfully under-utilized – perhaps Facebook, on top of MySpace, and actual websites – is enough effort to maintain, but we stamp a fat A for effort on this new site’s forward thinking.  What better way to feel connected to a local club than to have your own identity for all to see?  There’s even google ads targeted at exactly what we want: we just got a new DVD about sexy dance moves that will surely make its way quickly around the Portland Point office!

The framework for a vibrant plugged-in community is there, perhaps the folks at the Empire could let its patrons know about their cool little site.  Put some flyers out on the bar: Have you created your own Empire profile yet?  No?  Why the hell not? Get the hell out you scalliwag!

We’d suggest they get their marketing department to come up with a zingier slogan, but a little in-house ad campaign to promote the site can’t hurt.  Even better, take a page from twitter’s book and let people link their Facebook to their Empire profile!  Well, that could be taking it too far.

Kudos to Empire for plowing onward into the 21st century and exploiting the internet’s unique ability to attempt something new.


Shhhh, rock and roll show, don’t pass it on…

I picked up this week’s Portland Phoenix and read the review of the new disc by Dominic and the Lucid. Very favorable review. I’ve heard great things about them, and am interested in checking out the CD release show. Awesome! Ok, I see it’s at the Empire. That’s a good club, I’ve been there before, let’s just jog over to their website… oh no, my heart just sunk. Please tell me they have a website! I plug in my trusty search into Google: “empire portland maine” Success! Oh joyous light shining from above, narrowing your heavenly beams on me and my hip mac laptop (cut out the glare, though, seriously). The very first hit on Google is the website for the actual EMPIRE club in Portland! My faith in humanity has been restored.

Let’s give it little click-aroo.


No, please.

This … no, this isn’t happening.

Please, I encourage everyone to go there now. As of this posting, which is 3:40 PM on August 22, 2008, the first thing you read on the Empire’s website is “Cool show on Sunday” posted on May 2, 2008. Over three months ago.

30 PM - 8-22-08

Empire Screen Shot - Main Page - 3:30 PM - 8-22-08

Ouch. That is painful. But, hey, I’m forgiving, I’m sure they at least update their calendar! Who wouldn’t update their online calendar? Click on “Live Schedule” (if you have a steel encrusted stomach).

30 PM - 8-22-08

Empire Screen Shot - Live Schedule - 3:30 PM - 8-22-08

Speaks for itself, doesn’t it? “Stay tuned for updates shortly.”  This gets the all time WTF.  Let’s weigh the pros and cons of not posting your establishment’s events on your website.


  • Undesirable patrons (drunks, hippies, bad tippers) won’t stumble across the event during their e-searching – at the public library – for places to raise rucki
  • Hipsters may think they are the only ones in the know about your secret event and will have falsely raised opinions of your club
  • Okay, I’m reaching here, I can’t even think of any good funny “Pro’s”. On to the Cons…


  • People with internet-adoring ways may not think your club is open, and won’t come and give you their money
  • It looks like you have your head firmly up your ass
  • Someone Googling a band that has played there won’t stumble across your site and now know about how cool your venue is for having had that band play there
  • Someone wanting quick info about the show – at your venue – won’t be able to get it from – your site
  • You’re ostracizing the 2-300 internet using Portland denizens
  • You’re contributing to the social acceptability of not using the internet as a means of promotion
  • You’re doing a disservice to the bands that play there by not doing the simplest means of getting the word out
  • If you have your events listed, the only possible difference conceivable is that MORE PEOPLE MIGHT COME. That benefits you financially, the band financially, the people who come entertainably
  • It benefits all the same parties longterm because when more people attend the event it builds a bigger scene and the comfort with, and even an expectation of, going out, and seeing, and being seen on the scene

In conclusion, what is wrong with you people! In the time it took me to write this post, you could have the whole next month up there. Did you lose the password to your admin site?

Great Works Internet Doesn’t Works so Great

Dear mom,

I strive to buy local like you raised me to do. I love it. I love Coffee by Design, not Starbucks. I love Ruski’s, not TGI Fridays. I like Miss Portland soon, not Denny’s ever. Ok, mom, seriously, don’t you get the point? I freakin love buying local.

Maybe the only thing I love more than that, however, is super duper fast internet. So much as show me that ‘loading’ bar and my blood pressure rises like an upside submarine. Internet cuts out mid-download? I will bite the head off a headless horseman. Yeah, I take it seriously. More seriously than Mother’s Day, and remember that time I surprised you on Mother’s Day with three clones of myself to cook you breakfast in bed while I spun a round of Frisbee golf but it’s the thought that counts and cloning isn’t easy? Remember?

Great Works Internet, or GWI, is a Mom and Pop internet provider. Now, you might think that’s a bad idea, after all, how can your parents provide you with blazing hot internet access? Well, you’d be 100% right. It’s a bad idea. Some things are not meant to be Mom and Pop. NASA space shuttles. Skimpy undergarment manufacturing. Elevator repair. Leave it to thems who know what’s up. The Portland Point was notified of GWI’s sub-par (see: Frisbee golf reference earlier!) by a local Portland Tipster (you can be one too!). I will quote, and even though I will type it in quotes, it is paraphrasing as God himself intended paraphrasing to be when he invented the word ‘paraphrasing’:

“Portland Pointster, I gotta tell you, GWI sucks. Okay, so you know how you want internet to be consistently available? These [upstanding gentleman who perform maritals with women who have had children] give me all sorts of [shit] when i call them up to complain about the absurdly slow speed and spotty service. What do they tell me when I say that I am not get the 5 MB/sec download speed I’m paying for but am instead suffering through lowly ~1.5 MB/sec? What do they tell me? They tell me: ‘yeah, you’re definitely not getting 5 MB/sec.’ What do they say when I ask why? ‘Oh,’ they paraphrasingly tell me, ‘yeah, internet is slower in the East End. Bad wires. Yeah, just some bad wires up there.’ And then I says to the admittedly nice and respectful gentleman on the other end of the phone – and that is something you can expect in Portland for the most part – ‘and another thing, what’s up with the “no bills” you’re not sending me and the automatic charging of my credit card?’ The ANARGOTOEOTP says: “yeah, we don’t do bills, we’re an internet company! How could we provide you with a bill? And haven’t you been getting all those emails we been sending you to your spiffy GWI email? And do you have a problem with us just auto-charging you?’ At this point,

Sorry, I have to take a break from paraphrasing. This is getting tiring.

Okay, back to the paraphrasing, um, at this point, I’m thinking, wait, hold the phone, hold the sluggish internet, why can’t you send an e-bill? Do you… my internet provider… know what that is? The only payment option is “automatically charge my card without sending me a bill.”

Back to me. As I was absorbing this anecdote, which was sent to us at portlandpoint@gmail.com (just saying), I started realizing that sometimes you just want something reliable, and sometimes it’s worth not going local. GWI, if you provide internet service, you better have online e-bill paying, you better have a sweet email server if you expect people to use it, you better have ‘as advertised’ internet speed no matter where in Portland we live. Portland ain’t all that big, you can provide reliable service anywhere or you’ll die not trying. The anonymous tippers assure us that they chose GWI because of its being a local business. But you can’t expect us to blindly Go Local with crappy service. We may value all things Maine, but we have some standards.

Published in: on August 19, 2008 at 1:17 am  Comments (2)  
Tags: , ,

Why bother with a website when you have foot traffic?

And another thing – websites are impossible to set up. Cumbersome. Send away a check, wait 6-8 weeks, finally you take your screwdriver out – and always end up losing the screws – open the casing, install your photos you just got back from the developer, let it sit over night, and bam, if you’re lucky, a website. Well, I can’t see any benefit to having one to begin with, I don’t need someone at home looking at my stuff or my store or my restaurant, I need them here, shopping, purchasing, consuming. Fiddlesticks. Down with new, up with old.

Right, so, it’s 2008. If you’re a business, if you’re an artist, if you even so much as ‘like stuff,’ you should have a website. No, I take back “should” (if only there was a way to go back and edit my own sentence!). It’s absolutely imperative. Any place I’m about to visit or check out or think about giving some of my money to, I go right to google and type in the name of the place and “portland maine” (gotta add ‘maine’ otherwise you get all the delectable options from across the country). Anything more frustrating (in the realm of establishment google searching I mean) than finding simply a bunch of references in local papers ABOUT the place? Get a website. Even if it’s just a virtual business card, get your info up there, it’s not expensive. 50-60 bucks a year, with full hosting, probably even cheaper if you’re just getting a web presence up. In 2008, there’s no excuse.

What prompted this? My last post about late night food. I added a link easily for Becky’s – I googled “becky’s diner portland maine” and the first hit was their site. Excellent. Then I googled “hot suppa portland maine” and got a ton of references in MaineToday and other online review sites. No official site. I was trying to find the name of the head chef – it was in the original Phoenix article – I wanted to use it. No, nope. Bummer. It’s a shame that the internet police keep such tight reigns on who can and cannot set up websites. If not for them, just anyone could create online content. Then what use would the World Wide Web be?

Too bad Hot Suppa is ineligible for website activity, it’s got some awesome corned beef hash.